Tuesday, May 18, 2010

YES- and then perhaps, no.

yes- I'm feeling more competent now with both the boys. More able to go places with them both and more willing to leave them with other people and not freak out or worry so much.

no- I'm still a TOTAL fat ass. I took a week off the gym last week because I'm in a weird place emotionally with Matthew leaving. It actually did kind of help, though. I'm rededicated this week. Worked my legs hard yesterday and took Jeannie's ohmygawd i'm going to kick your ass hip hop style class today. Tomorrow it's arms with Wendy.

yes- speaking of Wendy and friends in general. I'm trying desperately hard to arrange playdates for Nicholas and make new friends for me. I don't want to be totally isolated and have nobody care about me when Matthew leaves, and once he's gone I will have more time to be a friend than I normally would. Today Nick Nick and I had our first official playdate with Joy and Malachi. They were wonderful, and I feel she and I will become good friends. I especially love how close by she is :)

no- It took me entirely too long to clean up for Joy to come, and I had all this crap to do. So I was short with Nicholas and I let Sam cry too long. I said "no" to Nick out of laziness when I could have said "yes" out of love. It was crappy of me, and I have got to cut that shit out. I realize that if I weighed about 50 pounds less, I would probably have more energy. It's freakin' gross, and I must find a way to better myself again.

yes- my sweet Samuel laughed in his sleep today, or I suppose you could call it a chuckle. It was so precious. Then he did it again when I kissed his belly. He is the most tender child, and I wonder sometimes how I ever deserved him. Maybe that's the point. Maybe I don't deserve him, but what does anyone really deserve in the eyes of God? He just gives us what we need.

no- every weekend my baby comes home, and every time he leaves I feel like my soul is being torn from its moorings. You'd think I'd get used to it, but the wound feels new each week. I'm going to need tranquilizers when he leaves. seriously.

yes- mom and dad may come tomorrow. I haven't seen daddy in nearly two weeks and mama in five days or so. I've gotten so used to them being here, and so have the boys. The nice thing is now that I don't desperately need them to be here because I can't handle my life and the boys are too much for me and i'm falling apart. Now I just want them here and want to see them and want to watch my babies blossom in the sunshine of their doting affection.

no- i know two impossibly kind people who are due to lose a loved one this week. My heart breaks for them, my prayers go out to them, and I wish I could fix it, but I don't know them that well. I know these people kind of at a distance or in passing, and I don't know what would help them feel better or what would ease the pain or where I could fill in. All I have are positive thoughts and sincere prayers.

yes- my flowers are growing all over the place, and it is making me a very happy camper!

Well, it's late and I'm more exhausted than usual. Let's pray for some actual sleep tonight.

Friday, May 14, 2010


Last night I had to go to Samuel's baptism class. It was the usual drivel. Why do you want your child baptized? what do these symbols mean? what does baptism mean to you? why does the church value baptism? yada yada. I didn't expect to learn anything. I didnt expect to enjoy the experience. I just wanted to surive it, have my piece of paper signed and move on. But I had a bit of a revelation over the whole thing. Here's how it happened. The first of the group questions was "what do you want the candidate for Baptism to see in you?" I was one of the first to answer, and I said I wanted him to see strength in me- I was thinking of how I'll have to get along without Matthew for the next year or so, and I said I wanted him to see tolerance- I was thinking of how nit picky I've been with Nicholas lately and how I would be a better mommy if I cut him some slack. Answers went around the room, and most people had the same or similar responses, and I compared myself to them as one is ought to do at these things. I thought "okay, good. I'm right on par for the course, and let's move on to the next question so we can get the hell out of here." Then it happened. One of the godparent/ sponsors answered "Joy. I want him to see joy in me." And it ocurred to me. I've been spending so much time lately simply surviving. Get enough sleep to function. Eat enough calories and drink enough water to make breast milk. Buy enough at the store to survive 3 days without returning. Work out enough to lose the weight. Survival. Not. Joy. I'm not concerned about having FUN in my playtime with Nick. I'm concerned that I need to be teaching him something about his ABCs or developing his motor skills. It's crap. I had kids to enjoy them, right? So I'm going to try to focus less on the impending exodus of my beloved husband. I'm going to try to think more about what fun things can we do today?

Just thought I'd share.

ps. Matthew and I have made our backyard into this precious little haven. There's a swing for Nick, a sun shade that billows in the breeze, a bird feeder in our oak tree, sunflowers under the window that Nick and I grew from seeds, and I plan on putting in mandavillas and plumbegos out. Nick has all kinds of toys out there- tractors, dump trucks, trowels, shovels, buckets, balls, and all kinds of things. I figure it's a good place to start with the "joy" thing.