Joy

Last night I had to go to Samuel's baptism class. It was the usual drivel. Why do you want your child baptized? what do these symbols mean? what does baptism mean to you? why does the church value baptism? yada yada. I didn't expect to learn anything. I didnt expect to enjoy the experience. I just wanted to surive it, have my piece of paper signed and move on. But I had a bit of a revelation over the whole thing. Here's how it happened. The first of the group questions was "what do you want the candidate for Baptism to see in you?" I was one of the first to answer, and I said I wanted him to see strength in me- I was thinking of how I'll have to get along without Matthew for the next year or so, and I said I wanted him to see tolerance- I was thinking of how nit picky I've been with Nicholas lately and how I would be a better mommy if I cut him some slack. Answers went around the room, and most people had the same or similar responses, and I compared myself to them as one is ought to do at these things. I thought "okay, good. I'm right on par for the course, and let's move on to the next question so we can get the hell out of here." Then it happened. One of the godparent/ sponsors answered "Joy. I want him to see joy in me." And it ocurred to me. I've been spending so much time lately simply surviving. Get enough sleep to function. Eat enough calories and drink enough water to make breast milk. Buy enough at the store to survive 3 days without returning. Work out enough to lose the weight. Survival. Not. Joy. I'm not concerned about having FUN in my playtime with Nick. I'm concerned that I need to be teaching him something about his ABCs or developing his motor skills. It's crap. I had kids to enjoy them, right? So I'm going to try to focus less on the impending exodus of my beloved husband. I'm going to try to think more about what fun things can we do today?

Just thought I'd share.

ps. Matthew and I have made our backyard into this precious little haven. There's a swing for Nick, a sun shade that billows in the breeze, a bird feeder in our oak tree, sunflowers under the window that Nick and I grew from seeds, and I plan on putting in mandavillas and plumbegos out. Nick has all kinds of toys out there- tractors, dump trucks, trowels, shovels, buckets, balls, and all kinds of things. I figure it's a good place to start with the "joy" thing.