Tuesday, May 18, 2010

YES- and then perhaps, no.

yes- I'm feeling more competent now with both the boys. More able to go places with them both and more willing to leave them with other people and not freak out or worry so much.

no- I'm still a TOTAL fat ass. I took a week off the gym last week because I'm in a weird place emotionally with Matthew leaving. It actually did kind of help, though. I'm rededicated this week. Worked my legs hard yesterday and took Jeannie's ohmygawd i'm going to kick your ass hip hop style class today. Tomorrow it's arms with Wendy.

yes- speaking of Wendy and friends in general. I'm trying desperately hard to arrange playdates for Nicholas and make new friends for me. I don't want to be totally isolated and have nobody care about me when Matthew leaves, and once he's gone I will have more time to be a friend than I normally would. Today Nick Nick and I had our first official playdate with Joy and Malachi. They were wonderful, and I feel she and I will become good friends. I especially love how close by she is :)

no- It took me entirely too long to clean up for Joy to come, and I had all this crap to do. So I was short with Nicholas and I let Sam cry too long. I said "no" to Nick out of laziness when I could have said "yes" out of love. It was crappy of me, and I have got to cut that shit out. I realize that if I weighed about 50 pounds less, I would probably have more energy. It's freakin' gross, and I must find a way to better myself again.

yes- my sweet Samuel laughed in his sleep today, or I suppose you could call it a chuckle. It was so precious. Then he did it again when I kissed his belly. He is the most tender child, and I wonder sometimes how I ever deserved him. Maybe that's the point. Maybe I don't deserve him, but what does anyone really deserve in the eyes of God? He just gives us what we need.

no- every weekend my baby comes home, and every time he leaves I feel like my soul is being torn from its moorings. You'd think I'd get used to it, but the wound feels new each week. I'm going to need tranquilizers when he leaves. seriously.

yes- mom and dad may come tomorrow. I haven't seen daddy in nearly two weeks and mama in five days or so. I've gotten so used to them being here, and so have the boys. The nice thing is now that I don't desperately need them to be here because I can't handle my life and the boys are too much for me and i'm falling apart. Now I just want them here and want to see them and want to watch my babies blossom in the sunshine of their doting affection.

no- i know two impossibly kind people who are due to lose a loved one this week. My heart breaks for them, my prayers go out to them, and I wish I could fix it, but I don't know them that well. I know these people kind of at a distance or in passing, and I don't know what would help them feel better or what would ease the pain or where I could fill in. All I have are positive thoughts and sincere prayers.

yes- my flowers are growing all over the place, and it is making me a very happy camper!

Well, it's late and I'm more exhausted than usual. Let's pray for some actual sleep tonight.

No comments:

Post a Comment