Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Not So Pretty Paper

Today a lady at the gym asked me "when are you due?" I responded "February 19th..." and she said "Oh, but you're so small!" Which made me laugh because I'm a blimp.... but it was a nice thing to say and it made me smile.

After what seems like an eternity, I returned to the Y today with Nicholas, which will be great for the next seven days until his h1n1 vaccine is no longer effective and he needs the booster dose which I will have to lie, cheat, and steal to obtain. le sigh. Anyway, it was nice being Nick free for 45 minutes on the elliptical.

So, rant of the day! Let's talk about Christmas carols that make you feel shitty and hate yourself! LoL. In advance, please pardon my grammar because it gets bad as I get myself all fired up about things.

Target 1 is this sweet little number about a chance encounter on Christmas Eve. How about Dan Fogelberg "Same Old Syne" It's a great tune, don't get me wrong. Here's the jist if you've managedto miss it. Dan runs into his ex girlfriend in the grociery store on Chritmas Eve. They catch up in a car drinking beer. "She says she married her an architect who kept her warm and safe and dry. She would've liked to say she loved the man, but she didn't like to lie." Then they run out of stuff to talk about and the beer runs out so she kisses him and as he walks away, the snow turns into rain.

So merry freaking Christmas. There they are Christmas eve sitting in their cars getting drunk. Mean time, her architect sits at home wondering where the hell is loving wife is? Oh, dont' worry man, she's cozied up with her ex lover talking bad about you. What happened to "love the one you're with?" How about "it's the holiday season, so whoop de doo and dickory dock and don't forget to hang up your sock cuz he'll be comin' down the chimney, down. happy holidays! happy holidays!" How about you see your old lover in the grociery store, give him a hug, tell him "crappy holidays" and go home and have rock your stockings sex with your husband? how bout that?

Target 2 Here's a good one. How about the tried and true Frosty the Snowman? Did Frosty get nailed by a car? Is that why we hope we see him again 'someday' but no one says when? No, really, check the lyrics. "Frosty the snowman knew the sun was hot that day, so he said let's run and we'll have some fun, now, before I melt away. He led them down the streets of town right to the traffic cop, and he only paused a moment when he heard him holler 'stop!' For Frosty the snowman had to hurry on his way, but he waved goodbye saying don't you cry. i'll be back again someday" So first of all, this irresponsible frigid fat guy led my kids down to the streets of town? Was he holding their hands? Did he make sure they looked both ways before crossing? Did he make sure they got home? No he just abandoned them in town. Also- why was he not listening to the traffic cop himself? Did he get hit by a car? i really hope so. What an ass. Did he let himself get nailed by the car to take himself out before he melted into bits in front of my happy little children because he knew the sun was hot that day? Well better to see him get smashed to smithereens on someone's hood than a slow agonizing death as he loses arms and belly fat each day until his brainless ball head separates from the rest of him and plummets to its doom out there on my front lawn. What a bunch of crap. In Florida, we have no snownmen, and I am grateful. So there.l

Target 3 and here is my favorite. Pretty Paper. You like that song? Are you kidding me? Talk about feeling horrible for Christmas. The basics, in case you just like the refrain where it says 'pretty paper pretty pencils,' etc and have never actually listened to the story in the middle are as follows: people are bustling around buying packages for their loved ones and some homeless guy sits on the sidewalk and hopes you don't look at him. you think about stopping but decide not to because you've got too much to do and too much to carry, and he starts bawling his eyes out shouting "pretty paper pretty ribbons of blue wrap your presents to your darlin from you pretty pencils to write 'i love you' pretty paper pretty ribbons...." So there you are shopping and thinking of "silver bells" where even street lights blink of bright red and green and shoppers rush by with their treasures while this poor pathetic unloved wretch lies on the sidewalk talking to himself and crying about wrapping paper. What. the. crap. This isn't even like a Phil Collins "Another Day in Paradise" kind of hate yourself. At least in that song there's a message. The girl is trying to get help and no one will help her, and you need to think twice and help poor people. okay? I get it. Okay, Phil, I'll donate more to Habitat next year. This song? What's the message? Please hate yourself and feel guilty when you buy presents for the people you love because misery is everywhere and life sucks.

So my reccommendation? Listen to the Alvin and the Chipmonks Christmas song, listen to o holy night, listen to the most annoying carol on Earth- Dominick the Donkey- for all I care. Try and avoid those three if you plan on enjoying the holidays!

bah, humbug!


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